Tag Archives: motherhood

Copycat

A few nights ago my husband & I were privileged to be ministering in the Great Smokey Mountains of Tennessee. One night during worship I had my eyes opened to a very startling and sobering truth. I can’t tell you what songs we were singing but I had my eyes closed and hands raised when I had the strange notion I was being watched. I opened my eyes and lo and behold there my two daughters were standing near the stage with their little necks craned so that they could see me! They immediately turned back toward the stage and raised their hands.

My immediate response was to giggle. “They’re copying me!” I thought to myself.

I continued on in worship and as the music picked up with a quicker beat I began to sway a little back and forth. Again, I felt the eyes and when mine met theirs they quickly turned away. And now, those two precious little heads began to sway in the same direction and with the same lack of rhythm as my sway.

It was becoming both fun and funny to me! They were mimicking me move for move. When my hands went up, theirs did too. When I swayed, they swayed, and in the same direction. When my eyes closed and my expressions became intense or passionate, their eyes closed and their faces scrunched up and became intense and passionate.

Somewhere in this little match I watched my girls transition out of a game of copycat with mommy and into standing before their Master in pure, childlike, fully abandoned worship. I watched their little lips, as they no longer followed the words to the songs being led. Now they were creating their own words. They began offering their own prayers and words of love and adoration to their savior.

This revelation moved me to weeping and landed me on my knees. Holy Spirit began to remind me that I am being watched and the most important people in my world are following me – the two little souls who I have been trusted to lead and guide and train so that they will walk in the way they should go. I became an ugly, blubbering mess of Mama on my knees!

I’ve been in that place before. Before stepping out on a platform to preach, or leading a team across the country, and often times as I sit down to write. Those moments turn into times of pleading with the Lord, “Lead me as I lead them!” But those moments, as precious as they are, will never compare with the awe, fear, and reverence I felt in this one.

I was never the girl who dreamed of being married and having children. Growing up my aspirations were toward having a career. Growing up in church I remember all of my friends wanting to work in the church nursery and hold the babies. And as a young woman entering discipleship and ministry I remember hearing everyone talk about getting married and having kids. As I continued in ministry I just couldn’t fathom “slowing down” to raise children.

Fast forward many years and I found myself 27 years old, holding this little person who was so tiny, yet powerful enough to open wide this chamber of my heart I never knew existed. Twenty months later her sister followed and another chamber, unbeknownst to me, burst completely alive. And the God of the universe, the one who fashioned them in my womb, who knows every one of their days and mine, knows the number of hairs on their heads, and has set them apart for a purpose unique to them and intended for His Name’s Sake has chosen to entrust me and their father with them; to train them up in the way they should go so that when they are old they will not depart from Him.

This could be an overwhelming and bewildering thought for us as parents when we look at the world around us as it vies for the attentions and loyalties of our children. How are we to fight against such a strong pull and win?

We are given excellent examples as we read through the Word and they can all be summed up in one word: Discipleship.

Webster’s dictionary defines a disciple as “one who believes the teachings of a master,” and goes on to say that the disciple may help to “disseminate those teachings.” From this definition many in the Church have come to understand discipleship as taking place when a more seasoned Christian teaches a newer convert to believe with faith the things written in the Bible. “All you have to do is believe what it says.”

However, if we will view discipleship from the premise of its origination, in first century Israel when Jesus walked the Land calling several men to be His disciples, we would discover a very different definition.

In Jesus’ day discipleship did not take place in a classroom or by receiving instruction sitting in a synagogue pew. Discipleship took place in every day life. The roads they walked along, the hillsides and the seashores became their classrooms.

Discipleship in the first century took on the same characteristics as parenting was instructed to when God delivered the Israelites from Egypt. In Deuteronomy Chapter 6 verses 1 and 2 Moses instructs the people, “These are the commands, decrees and laws the LORD your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the LORD your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life.” In verses 4 through 8 he says, “Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” There was to be very little time in the family’s day where the parents were not teaching their children about the goodness of God.

And so it was with discipleship. A disciple learned from his master in the morning, day, and night as they walked along the way, prepared meals, and worked at a skill. And the most important skill a disciple would learn would be that of imitation. The disciple learned not only what his master believed and to believe it also, but to act upon those beliefs in the same manner his master acted. It would not be uncommon, and in fact was often expected for a disciple to speak with the same words as his master, for him to respond with emotion as his master would; and many physical gestures and mannerisms of the disciple were but a reflection of that of his master. He was not just to believe his master, but also to become his master. This process was not the byproduct of force, but of the disciple’s zealous love and commitment to his master.

Upon learning about discipleship in the Hebraic world, discipleship the way Jesus did it, a light bulb went on in my mind. Initially I thought, “Who wants to be an imitator? Aren’t we to be individuals?” And then I thought of the countless kids, teenagers, and young adults I’ve ministered to over the years: countless individuals trying desperately to be “individual,” but really only becoming imitators of someone else trying to be an individual.

And then I thought of myself. I was always imitating someone else. To look back at pictures of me in middle school and high school and since you would only see a girl wearing the same clothes seen in magazines or on schoolyards through out the country during that specific decade. My friends and I dressed the same, talked the same, listened to the same music, and teased our bangs into the same exact style.

Everyone will imitate someone in some aspect. Who then will I have my children imitate. The Apostle Paul knew this truth well and that is why he instructed his spiritual sons and daughters in the church in Corinth saying, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:1)

I make a million wrong decisions every day. I am nowhere near the perfection of Jesus. I do however seek with all of my heart to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

No, I have not already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also Christ Jesus laid hold of me. I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:10-14)

If my daughters will see this in me, then after strong contemplation and sobering awareness I say to them, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.”

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Upon This Rock

Rainbow Falls Smokey Mountains, TN

I’m sitting on a rock in front of our destination – Rainbow Falls in the Smokey Mountains. Some of God’s most glorious beauty is before me. The atmosphere is clean as I breathe in the cold mountain air. My skin is lightly touched by the spray of the falls. And the roar of the waters join with the song of the birds and the rustling of the trees as a very light rain begins to fall.

My husband is doing his best to snap as many pictures as he can right before he slips, plunging his entire right foot into the icy cold water. He hardly gets upset! We are feeling so alive! And just beyond the fall I see soft, golden brown hair bouncing from between the trees. I hear child-like laughter as I glimpse two little heads bobbing up and down. My two daughters have made their ways past the falls and are now jumping from rock to rock, squealing with such delight. In one split second my heart transitions from pure rapture at the sights and sounds and smells around me to a biting sadness. I want to be with them! I don’t want to stay on this rock! I want to jump and laugh and not worry about falling. I want to cross the narrow log bridge without holding on to the rail. Why don’t I?

Why do I stay on this rock? The atmosphere is heavenly, but it was not created for me to simply gaze upon it. It was created for me to be a part of; for me to wedge my way into it becoming a participator of its splendor. It’s not a one dimensional picture book, but more of a pop-up. And I am to leap in it, to run and skip and laugh out loud. A rip-roaring, belly laugh! Why do I stay on this rock?!

I’ve concluded that it’s not because I broke my elbow when I was 7 years old, or because I was in a body cast when I was 8. It’s not because I broke my wrist when I was 19 either. It’s beyond the fear of physical endangerment. What is it then? Why do I stay seated on this rock?

I’ve resolved that it is decades of failures that keep me sitting here. Pounding in my heart are words spoken over the years that have caused me to question; and words held back that I desperately needed to hear. I’m planted here for fear of falling. I fear disappointing those I love most. What if I get up and run and leap and jump from mossy stone to mossy stone, laughing and roaring about and then suddenly fall. Will my daughters see that Mommy isn’t strong? Will they begin to view me as foolish? I am paralyzed, unable to move from this rock because of a lifetime of being told how I should behave and having pointed out to me what might be deemed ridiculous, unnecessary, and unacceptable.

In my paralysis my mind flashes forward to the next 60 to 70 years. I’ve so much life left in me. There are so many places for me to go. There is laid before me the gift of a stunning adventure. If I give these words and thoughts and fears permission to have their way I will find myself for the rest of my life gazing upon a one-dimensional picture book.

I’m reminded of what the Psalmist and King said in Psalms 27:13 and I become “confident of this: I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living.” A twinge of fight rises up in me. I don’t want to just see it. I want to participate with it! With fear and trepidation I determine, with a quivering heart, to Forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead, to press on, even with shaky hands and wobbly knees  toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. With slight hesitancy and increasing determination I reconcile to throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run, not tiptoe, but run and leap and jump with perseverance the race marked out for me.

Finally, I leave my rock to head back down the mountain. The rain is falling a little heavier. I cross the log bridge; this time hands-free. And up ahead I see the sweetest little head bobbing from rock to rock and I hear her angelic voice say, “Bounce with me, Mommy.”

Deep breathe. Release. Here I go.

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Intro to a Slave Girl

 “But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness.  What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!  But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life.” Romans 6:17-22

In writing this, you the reader must know that I have stepped over the ledge. For years I have wrestled with the idea of starting a blog. For the past several years my husband has brought it up at least once every 3 or 4 months. And two years ago I actually started one. I also abandoned that same blog after only a couple of weeks.

There are several arguments I can give for not writing a blog before. The argument I use most often is that I am not an expert at anything. I’ve tossed several ideas back and forth in my mind only to realize I know hardly anything about anything! I think my biggest and truest argument, though is that I fear I will find out that I lack commitment.

As I begin 2012 I am ready to squash both of these hindrances. I want to view this blog as a relationship; my relationship with you. Whoever you are and however many of you there are, I will be committed to you. As far as being an expert, I have one area of expertise: my own personal journey with the living God and how it has been the bedrock of my life and everything it entails. If you’re interested in revelation on life and God as received by  a Lover of Jesus, Wife, Mommy, Daughter, Sister, Friend,  Zealot, Disciple, Slave, Advocate, Pilgrim, Stranger, Alien, Pastor, Preacher, Teacher, Writer, someone who is Forgiven and Healed, then join me.

The great love of my life, my husband, informs me that I tend to be long-winded. I do not intend to change this. I will however, only post once a week. I hope you’ll stick with me. And I hope we’ll become good enough friends that you will introduce me to your closest friends.

Here we go, let’s take this leap together.

Your new friend and a Slave to Righteousness,

Rebecca

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