I prayed a dangerous prayer recently. I know better than to do that. I didn’t recklessly pray a dangerous prayer. I knew exactly what I would be getting myself into. But I did it anyway.
I began slowly reading through Psalm 119 several weeks ago. I love to read David’s passion for Torah. He loved the Word of God! He loved the Law. He recognized it as so much more than a list of do’s and don’t’s. He saw it for what it is – God reaching out to teach us how to live a life that leads to Him, because He loves us so much. As I read words like:
Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end.
Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.
How I long for your precepts!
In your righteousness preserve my life.
passion ignited a fire in me to know and love the Word like David did. This yearning was further inflamed as I watched this video:
(click on link)
This video sent me like a ravenous beast to the Word. I got such an urgency to know the Word. To truly know it. To know the text, not the just the tradition. For the text to become more powerful in my life than the tradition of scripture. And then I prayed the dangerous prayer.
“Lord, undo me with your Word. Strip me down and rebuild me with your Word.”
That prayer led me into a season of assault. It seems that every time I read the Word I walk away with deep afflictions. I’m not talking about condemnation. I know better than that. I’m talking about a gut wrenchingly deep conviction that only comes from the Holy Spirit.
In his book Me, Myself, and Bob, Phil Vischer, the creator of Veggie Tales details the brokeness he went through as he lived out the loss of his company, Big Idea. The illustration he used was a mirror image to what I am walking through right now. I hope Phil doesn’t mind my sharing it with you.
There is a scene in C.S. Lewis’ Voyage of the Dawn Treader involving Eustace, a boy so selfish, prideful, and greedy that he wakes up one day to find he has literally turned into a dragon. Life as a dragon proves so lonely and the dragon skin so uncomfortable that he soon longs to return to his friends, longs to be human again. In this scene, Aslan the lion leads Eustace the dragon to a pool. Eustace enters the pool and tries unsuccessfully to scratch off the aching dragon skin. Then Aslan says, “Lie down. This is going to hurt.” And with a long, terrible claw, Aslan digs deep into Eustace’s skin, ripping it wide open. It is the most painful thing Eustace has ever experienced, but when it is over, he stands up, a boy again. Reborn.
This is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately.The double-edged sword is cutting deep into me, exposing everything that I am and everything that I’m not. And there is no process I’d rather be walking through right now than the process I’m in. I want to be reborn. I want people, friends, my husband and children to look at me and see a mirror image of God’s Word. I want to speak and reason according to the Word. I want love and joy and peace and patience and kindness and goodness and self-control to spring forth ripe and sweet from within me.
The process I’m in is good and it is God. However, it is one which would make it easy for a person to sink into self-loathing. God is so good, though! In all of his love and perfection He led me tonight to the following video. I pray it blesses you and reaffirms the Father’s passionate love for you, as it did me.
(Click on link)